MAMA SAID KNOCK YOU OUT
I know I know I know…I haven’t updated in AGES! My only excuse is laziness and occasional mental breakdowns. And by “occasional” I mean “daily.”
***
Whenever I’ve gone a long while without updating my blog I always stress out about what my come-back post should be about.
It’s sorta like running into a friend you haven’t seen in years and wondering whether it’s even worth it to say all the things you’ve been up to since the last time you saw each other.
“Well…adolescence was decent. How about you?”
***
So I figure I’m going to bypass all that mumbo-jumbo and just get to the heart of the matter.
***
I’m growing out my eyebrows.
***
Yup. That’s the heart of the matter. My eyebrows.
I promise some day…when they are perfect and symmetrical, I’ll stop talking about them.
But as long as they resemble the McDonalds sign…i’m going to talk about them and you’re going to listen damnit!
***
Two weeks ago…when I walked into the salon, the plan was not to grow out my eyebrows.
The plan was to get them waxed.
But I knew something was wrong when the receptionist took one look at me and immediately said, “Don’t worry. Roberta will fix you.”
***
Roberta, the eyebrow specialist, sat me down and had a little intervention.
“What you need is to grow them out.”
Then she said it would take 6-8 weeks.
Clearly homegirl has never worked with Afghans before.
If an Afghan goes 6-8 weeks without plucking her eyebrows she will be deported.
***
So I’m at about week 2.5 right now and I look like a hamster has just died on my forehead.
It’s awful.
I woke up this morning and thought to myself, “This is what I would look like if i was in prison and couldn’t pluck my eyebrows.”
Maybe I should be hired to keep troubled kids out of jail. Honestly, If i was selling drugs and I saw someone with eyebrows like mine…that would be all the motivation I needed to change my life around. Talk about scared straight.
***
Anyway, I bring this up because if you run into me…don’t laugh…don’t spit in my face.
Hold me.
Love me.
Tell me everything will be alright in 4+ weeks.
***
CATERPILLAR LIKE,
Me
