January 2012
2 posts
serious question
It has come to my attention via pictures that were taken this weekend that my hair is getting too long.
As many of you know, I had a mishap a few years ago where I cut my own hair and it made me look like a head of broccoli.
It was while I was writing my thesis for undergrad. Suddenly, in a mad existential fit, I decided not only that I wanted short hair…but that I would to do it...
HAIR MAYONNAISE
My first mistake was going to CVS when I was bored.
My second mistake was looking through the DISCOUNT BIN.
My third mistake was pulling out a huge bucket from the bin.
My fourth mistake was not putting the bucket back after I read that it contained “Hair Mayonnaise.”
My fifth mistake was using said “hair mayonnaise” and then smelling like a baby just smeared her...
December 2011
4 posts
Because I Have A Paper To Write...
1. Go to Google and type “let it snow.”
2. Go to Google and type “askew.”
Easily entertained like,
Me
In The Room
***
Thank you to the reader who sent me an email asking me what I thought about the PA Liquor Control Board advertisements above.
This is what I think…
***
I want you to focus on the phrase “bad decisions” in the first advertisement.
Next I want you to focus on the phrase, “And now…” in the second advertisement.
If you put those two concepts together...
You Know It's Finals When...
I start coming up with incoherent acronyms to remember things.
Hopefully “Begin Astrophysics Slightly Asunder” will make more sense during the exam.
Another gem of mine is: I Ran Into A Tree And Died.
For some reason I think I’ll remember it better if I put a question mark at the end.
I ran into a tree and died?
See. Much better.
Much better?
Beginning Astrophysics...
November 2011
7 posts
Dear Henry
Hope is a thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all.
—Emily Dickinson
***
Dear Henry,
I found an old scrap of paper in my jewelry box with a diagram written on it entitled “Spectrum of Literary Truth.”
The diagram is just one long line.
The left end says “fake” and the right end says...
ZORAIDA IS AMAZON-ED!!!!!!!!!!
Meet Zoraida.
*****
I first met Zoraida Córdova at the National Book Foundation writing workshop in the summer of 2004.
I remember being VERY nervous about attending the workshop. That year the National Book Foundation only accepted 50 people in the United States into the program and I was one of them.
To make matters worse I was 19.
***
It’s always uncomfortable being the...
Sometimes I Doubt Your Commitment To Sparkle...
Things That Suck Right Now (in order of suckiness):
1. My jaw is locked shut on account of my sadist dentist who injected me with “novocaine”
2. Right now I have a migraine that—I’m certain—is more painful than child-birth.
3. I heard some rumblings in my purse that I thought was a bag of M&Ms, but really was a bottle of Advil.
4. I have to wait a full...
October 2011
7 posts
If the numbers we see in domestic violence were...
My dear friends Fatu and Sumaya are raising money for a women’s shelter. If you can donate anything…$10 even…it would be much appreciated. Here’s the link: http://www.gofundme.com/Battered-but-not-beaten
Give What You Can like,
Me
request line
MESSAGE FROM FRIEND:
I’d like to suggest the following as the subject of your next blog: how the romantic gestures of women compared to mens (both IRL and in movies) never end up like they’re supposed to.
Romantic gestures ruined my life like,
Curly
****
Dear Curly,
Let me begin by saying that it took me a long time to figure out what “IRL” stood for. Now that I...
I NEED A NEW STUDY PARTNER
Greg: I don’t want to study.
Me: So don’t.
Greg: I printed out an outline.
Greg: It was a big step.
Me: Wait.
Me: so you printed out someone else’s outline?
Me: Next step….Supreme Court of the United States! Here you come, Mr. Devlin!
Greg: That’s Supreme Court Justice Devlin to you.
Your Honor, I Object like,
Me
spring chicken
SELF-AFFIRMATION OF THE DAY: I choose to believe that the very light strand of hair on my head is not white but instead an indication that I’m going blonde in my late 20s.
****
I’M CLAPPING, TINKERBELL. DO YOU HEAR ME?!?!??!
****
Yesterday my dentist told me that I’ve been brushing my teeth too vigorously and as a result my gum line has started to recede in certain sections...
I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GOING TO WRITE ABOUT THE WALL...
….what in God’s name is J-lo doing with her life?
I saw this Fiatt commercial this weekend and it had me thinking…
1. Isn’t J-Lo 40+?
2. 40+ year olds should not be wearing booty shorts.
3. You got kids, girl. Stop that ish.
4. Okay, so she isn’t wearing booty shorts.
5. Okay, so she’s wearing some high-waisted geriatric thing.
6. Still.
7....
book-of-face
Have you ever suddenly realized that something you always thought was cool was actually really dorky?
This has happened to me a few times.
***
The first time I was about 8 years old. I was in the middle of braiding my Barbie’s hair when suddenly I realized that Barbies were lame. I remember thinking, “This isn’t fun anymore. This is weird. Why am I holding this fake woman...
Namaste?
Nothing in life confuses me as much as the “yoga” section of the Victoria’s Secret website.
What in the hell is this….
and this….
Who wears that shit to the gym?!?!
Won’t Be Doing Downward-Facing-Doggie-In-That like,
Me
September 2011
3 posts
LOSER
So I lost.
After four weeks of competing in the McLaughlin Appellate Advocacy Competition…I lost.
And let me just say it….
I care.
***
I think it’s tough to admit that you care about things.
It’s so much cooler to be blasé.
I grew up in the “WHATEVER” generation where the worst possible thing you could do is look like you give a shit. God forbid.
But...
mighty weighty matey!
I had a conversation with a particular man-friend yesterday.
He’s generally a decent dude.
His fatal flaw, however, is that he frequently uses the word “F@g” in conversation.
The ease with which he uses this word has always bothered me to the core.
Yesterday, I finally decided to speak up about it.
***
We got into an in-depth discussion about the word.
He claims it has...
i am woman. hear me yawn.
To the person who sent me this shitty fascinating article…please stop.
Stop sending me emails about my opinion on work-life balance. If there’s one thing I couldn’t care less about…it’s work-life balance.
Also, stop sending me articles about how successful women are lonely and depressed. I don’t buy it. Whoever said a degree and fist-fulls of cash...
August 2011
5 posts
LIVE ACTION FROM ROOM 741
I like doing live-action posts.
***
Right now I’m up in room 741 of the library.
I shouldn’t be disclosing this information because 741 happens to be the best study room in school.
Especially if you’re practicing an oral argument.
Why you ask?
Because there’s a podium in the room.
It’s set in the back alcove of the room, so that anyone who walks by can’t...
Sleep When I'm Dead
I watched a short video podcast of Ramit Sethi and Tim Ferris discussing productivity and time-management.
The very first piece of advice they both gave was, “Go with what comes naturally. If you’re a morning person…do your work in the morning. If you’re a night person…do you work at night.”
I was instantly at ease when I heard this.
***
I’ve been...
Maggie Should Tell Paul Kramer To F@*$ Off
Dear Paul Kramer:
Bravo!
I just finished reading your diet book for children. Amazon informs me that it was intended for 4 to 6 year olds, but I don’t see why a grown-ass woman like myself can’t learn life lessons from Maggie.
Maggie was such a relatable character. In the beginning, she was such a pitiful fat ass. Given she was only a child…but still. Just because...
"HUMOR IS THE MOST ENGAGING COWARDICE" ...
So I’ve been taking this creative writing class this summer.
For those of you who don’t know (which might be most of you) I majored in creative writing in college. Besides how to cope with life-long unemployment, my degree taught me how to let myself be vulnerable to criticism.
***
Nothing is as terrifying and potentially ego-bruising as “constructive criticism.”
...
July 2011
2 posts
"how we spend our days is how we spend our lives"...
I used to play a game with one of my friends called “If I Didn’t Have Immigrant Parents I Would ___________.”
He said he would be a kindergarden teacher. I said I would be a novelist.
This game entertained us for hours.
We would discuss, in excruciating detail, how our lives would be. He would wear ties with cartoons on them. I would wear overalls. He would carry a lunch...
MAMA SAID KNOCK YOU OUT
I know I know I know…I haven’t updated in AGES! My only excuse is laziness and occasional mental breakdowns. And by “occasional” I mean “daily.”
***
Whenever I’ve gone a long while without updating my blog I always stress out about what my come-back post should be about.
It’s sorta like running into a friend you haven’t seen in years and...
April 2011
3 posts
How I Get In My Jeans
Today a rather bovine man on the train said the following words to me…
“DAMN GIRL…HOW YOU GET IN DEM JEANS?!?!??!”
Those words are never appetizing (even from Chingy)…but they were especially unsavory coming from this man.
First of all, he was wearing an unintentional belly shirt. His belly was protruding over his pants, thus providing me with too much...
ESL
Do you ever realize, far too late in life, that you’ve been pronouncing a word wrong for years?
I still remember the day, when I was about 5, when my mom realized that I was pronouncing my own name wrong.
I knew that the way my family said my name sounded a lot different from the way the kids at school said my name, but I chalked it up to the fact that everything was different about school...
me and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad...
I’m far too mentally unstable to be writing this entry right now.
Alas….
———————————————————————————————-
I’ve been meaning to write about my favorite children’s book illustrators.
I...
Boo Radley Part 1
While in the throes of outlining for Civil Procedure, I was interrupted by the unsavory girl in the room below mine.
In my lifelong effort to be the next Boo Radley, I hurried down the stairs and pounded on the door.
No one responded.
I started to hear everybody sing happy birthday.
That’s when I opened the door by my own damn self, stuck my head in and shouted,
“KEEP IT DOWN...
March 2011
4 posts
HAPPY AFGHAN NEW YEAR!!!!
A thing or two you need to know about Afghans….
1. We celebrate our New Years on the first day of Spring.
2. We celebrate by dancing.
3. Every Afghan you meet will swear to God that he/she is a good dancer.
4. Can’t none of us dance.
5. We always dance with our eyes closed.
6. There is a direct correlation between #4 and #5.
The Only Afghan Who Really Can Dance like,
Me
something about seeing the forest and not the...
1. METAPHOR GALORE!
A poetry professor of mine used to bark, “FIND THE METAPHORS IN YOUR LIFE!” He was obsessed with the notion that if certain metaphors kept popping into your life, there was a cosmic reason for it. I suppose he thought that the Poetry Gods were intentionally placing these symbols into your life as a way to force you to recognize the inter-connectedness of...
February 2011
2 posts
you can do side-bends and sit-ups...
Don’t even ask why it’s taken me so long to update.
Don’t even.
All I can say is that second semester is flying by and I’m about two weeks behind on my outlines.
On top of all that, I’ve decided that I seriously have to do something about the circumference of my thighs.
Please refrain from telling me that I don’t need to lose weight. I’ve gained 20...
feeling brand new, and i jumped up!
Dear Talib Kweli:
I’m just going to say it….
I’m not buying your new album.
I saw you in October and…let me count the ways the concert sucked:
1. I had to stand. This is why I hate concerts. I hate standing. Okay, let me amend that. I hate being trapped in a room without chairs. This has little to do with your performance, but let me just say this…perhaps...
January 2011
1 post
Keeping It Damn Real
I was asked the following question multiple times this week:
“Why don’t you ever go out?”
Listen…it’s no mystery.
If you know me at all, you know that I can’t have fun unless elastic-waist pants are involved. Until it’s socially acceptable for a grown-ass woman to dress like this…
…I will be staying home thankyouverymuch!
It...
December 2010
2 posts
the hell?
Take a look at that usability gem up there.
What that is, ladies and gentlemen, is a screen shot of THE CRAPPIEST LEGAL COMPUTER TESTING SYSTEM EVER!
Seriously, what is that screen even asking me to do?
All I see is a bunch of random blocks. Am I supposed to click the boxes? Am I supposed to drag the boxes? Am I supposed to stab myself in the eye…because THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I...
November 2010
11 posts
speaking of cocaine....
I really need potato chips.
Preferrably….
Nom Nom like,
Me
what does "little red haired girl" mean?
In case you ever wondered why my blog’s name is “little red haired girl”…the answer is as follows:
1. I’m a big fan of Charlie Brown.
2. My favorite character is “the little red haired girl.”
3. She never actually appears.
4. Charlie Brown just talks about her dreamily.
5. Is “dreamily” a word?
6. I refuse to look it up.
7....
SO GLAD YOU ASKED...
When Amelia of Sound Bites (http://ameliapontes.blogspot.com/) comes to her senses she will decide to interview me for her blog. When she decides to interview me for her blog, she will ask me about my style icons. When she asks me about my style icons, I will say the following…
So glad you asked Amelia. I’ve never really thought about it. (all lies)
With no further ado…
MY...
thanks?
Dear Writers of Emanuel Legal Flash-Cards:
Thank you for providing me with such incredibly helpful reminders like this:
“Picture a VW bug. Imagine yourself holding a giant felt-tip pen trying to mark the VW, but being repelled by some invisible force field. Effort to “mark it” = effort to market; VW= Worldwide Volkswagon.”
I couldn’t have said it better myself?
...
